Issue #11: Halfway through the year š
Hola friends! Iāve been thinking of a way to start issue#11 that does not go with - āitās been a whileā. I got nothing. So here we are. Itās been a while.
Iāve been pretty blocked for awhile. In the ways of writing, I mean. Iāve been starting and stopping an issue in the last 10-ish months. (6, if weāre talking about my other newsletter where my alter ego is more professional, and has less feelings) . I had too many things brewing in my heart region but never really found the right words to express them. I guess now, I do.
I was a bit burned out. And Iām only just coming out of that.
At first it was about my career.
I felt like I just couldnāt catch a break. I chased after roles and titles that just kept on eluding me. Even worse, I chased after it where it mattered the most, and I still didnāt get it. I really felt like I hit a wall.
And that really hit my confidence hard. My motivation even worse.
I paused my coaching. I stopped doing workshops. The only thing I kept on doing was feeling sorry for myself.
And I was convinced that the only thing to pull me out of this, what I thought was a career rut was if I could get a fresh start somewhere else. But even somewhere else still wonāt work out. I started processes but never finished them. There was always something wrong. Like I didnāt agree with their hiring process, or they couldnāt match my ask, or what they were saying the role was didnāt match what they were interviewing me for. Big things.
It was as if the universe was saying - āNope, youāre not running away from your problems, hennyā. In my head, the universe has the voice of a drag queen.
Because really, my problem was not having a specific title. It was trying hard to get one, because I was competing.
I wanted the title because so many other people had it. I wanted the title because I was feeling stuck, and I didnāt know what I really wanted to do. I wanted the title because all the career advice I was seeing said I should have had one already. Like 5 years ago.
I wanted the title for so many wrong reasons.
As if my value and self-worth was only measurable by the titles I can attach to my name on a professional social network.
I wanted to be seen. But I didnāt really see myself.
Then I tried to save the world.
At least I tried to help save the Philippines. Awhile back I wrote about volunteering for a presidential campaign that was happening back home.
10 months of doing that was a huge strain on both my mental and emotional capacity. Not to mention my wallet. It really did feel like Sauron and his ilk got hold of Middle-earth.
But there was also the strain from fighting with the people who are supposedly on your side. And there was so much fighting. And positioning. And backstabbing. All these just to be ārightā.
I found my usually non-confrontational self in different kinds of arguments ranging from full on shouting matches to passive-aggressive text messages. I still roll my eyes whenever I think about those moments. I wasnāt acting like myself. I just wanted to win.
And in the end, we lost.
I cried for weeks.
Nothing was working out the way I wanted to.
For awhile there I was really starting to think āI canāt have nice thingsā.
I was attracting all the bad juju. I even thought the bug and humidity problem in our apartment was my fault because I was manifesting only the bad stuff.
I wish I can tell you that what happened next was I had an epiphany, zhuzhed myself up, and turned everything around. I didnāt do that.
Instead, I made plans to quit my job. Ultimately, my goal then, was to become a housewife. But my boyfriend didnāt think that was a good idea. Fine. So I thought I could take a short break instead. Read all of my books, finish my projects, and live everyday as if it was Saturday; at least, for a good few months. Maybe, just maybe, I can figure things out in between. I even had a timeline and everything.
The funny thing was, after that, I started having more fun. At work. With my weeks. When I decided to quit my job, to take a break, there was also the decision made to let go of the pressure. The pressure to have roles or titles. The pressure to have everything I touch turn to gold. The pressure to be seen by other people as successful. The pressure to do things right. I let them all go.
Instead, I focused on just getting the things that really mattered, DONE.
And hot damn things did change.
With the change came more fun. With the fun came more energy. With the energy came a renewed sense of my values and purpose. With the renewed sense of values and purpose came bigger impact. And with the impact - the opportunities came.
I finally got the role that I have been chasing after. Right at the same time I started focusing more on the value I can provide as an experienced professional, as a mentor, as a colleague. And right at the same time I started approaching work as an opportunity to have fun and help other people enjoy the process as well (and get paid for it).
The ball also started moving again on my other projects. Coaching for Product Managers and Product Teams. Designing courses. Speaking about topics that matter to me. Etc
And I made new friends along the way.
I used to work so hard to be seen. Putting up neon signs, shouting at the top of my lungs. But they never worked for me. I just ended up completely unhappy and exhausted.
Only to learn now that - being seen is not the goal. At least, itās not mine. Being recognised and rewarded are not my objectives. Although, theyāre great incentives.
Honouring the things that are important for me, giving them the time, space, and energy, they deserve - having fun and enjoying the process - well that is the goal. Being happy is the objective.
And when I am happy, I shine. Because finally, I am seen. By the person whose opinion matters the most. Me.
And then the rest of the world will follow.
Until next time š
Kax
p.s. This issue is brought to you by the letters E, M, and O. And the summer zen that usually brings with it calm, perspective, and wisdom.
I started this maybe-weekly (it never is) newsletter because I needed a space where I can just take a break from talking aboutĀ working in tech, Product Management, and coaching other Product Managers. I needed a space where I can wear my heart on my sleeve, getĀ kiligĀ about the books Iām reading and the movies Iām watching, and sometimes allow myself to get on my soapbox to yell at the world for doing something stupid again.
Want to share your thoughts and feelings, too? Leave me a comment below š
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